If I learned anything this year, it's that...how do I put this into words? It's that my relationship with a person can be almost the exact same as another person's relationship with someone else. Wait, maybe that was too confusing. To make it more clear, what I mean is that I can see my relationship more clearly with X, by looking at Y's relationship with Z, or even X's relationship with Z. And please, don't look at the word "relationship" as anything more than just that - a relationship.

Anyway, gaining new perspective on this whole situation certainly allows me to really...move the fuck on, for lack of a more appropriate expression. I'm not saying that I'm going to throw it away, but I can certainly see from the ways in which Y interacts with Z, how Z interacts back and knowing both how Y and Z feel about their relationship, that perhaps I shouldn't waste my time dwelling on things that will probably never work out in the way I want them to. Watching Y and Z from the outside makes me wonder why I even made/make the effort in the first place because there are and have been obviously no fruits for my labour, they make me wonder why I can't settle into what I already have, and why I can't just be glad for what I have instead of what I don't, and most of all - maybe I've been trying to hard.

It's like I keep coming back to this one place where I vow that I'm moving on. Leaving the past as the past, starting over from where I am, but then things happen and I repeat the cycle all over again. Maybe it's the uncertainty that's the hard part. Uncertain of where I stand, uncertain of who I am, uncertain of where I'm going...well, in this case at least. In other contexts, I certainly know where I stand, who I am and where I'm going. It's securing, it...makes me content.

Ah. My head is going to explode from thinking about this so much.

Or maybe it already has...

:: Emily 12:07 AM [+] ::